Lose a Fatty

A friend recently posted something to social media along the lines of "I'm pretty sure the only thing not branded with Frozen stuff is condoms." Then I took matters into my own hands and wrote some alternative lyrics, should they choose to introduce them. Do You Want to Wear a Condom? (words by me, tune from that song from that movie) Do you want to wear a condom? Come on let's go and play. I see you have a rash down there And I'm aware It hasn't gone away. We used to love so freely, But now we can't. Is there something that we could try? Do you want to wear a condom? A branded Disney Frozen condom? Nope? Then bye. Do you want to wear a condom So we can bone like we were teens? I think some role-playing is overdue I'd like to ravish you As Elvis or the queen. It gets a little boring  Lying on my back Hearing you grunt and groan.  (Grunt groan grunt groan grunt groan grunt groan.) But you still have to wear

Captain America and True Detective Matthew McConaughey (aka “Russ”) are in a windowless room watching television. The walls are gray. Captain America, it is important to note, is NOT in uniform. He’s in an uncomfortable-looking chair to the left of Russ, who is on a little couch. The TV is one of those old deals that weighs a hundred pounds and is two-feet deep. They’re riveted by whatever’s on the screen. As you zoom in on the scene, you can see that they’re watching “Dallas Buyers Club,” which is weird, right? Because Russ looks like a healthier version of the dude in the movie. You can hear Russ talking to Captain America. “You maght think this is entertahning or something, but it hits too close to home for me,” Russ says. Captain America nods. He looks like he wants to run away. Russ continues to narrate and you’re sucked into the action on the television. He’s a voiceover now, and you’re trapped watching scenes from his life while he drawls. &l