You Will (Never) Be (Someday) Be (Maybe) Be Fine

-
(This post isn't funny.)

When you've been excised suddenly from someone's life — by four independent clauses strung together in a comma-spliced sentence sent stealthily through email — you will not know what to do.

You will never be fine.

You tell unwitting baristas and waitresses and clerks that you were viciously dumped. You watch a lot of baseball. You try to understand this new emptiness in your life that didn't exist the day before. You trade eating for crying. You call your mom all the time. You text your friends all the time. You feel bad for bothering the universe and everyone in it with your insignificance. You give yourself pep talks, remind yourself that one day you will look back on this shitstorm of awfulness and view it as the point where you started doing the things that mattered most to you. You think about what just mattered most to you yesterday. You cry. You hurt.

You receive messages, calls. You make some social plans. You feel hands reaching out to you, people jumping into the well and pushing you out, dropping down ropes to haul you back to the surface.

You will someday be fine.

You read books, buy a puzzle to keep your brain busy when it starts to tell you all its worst fears. You watch So I Married an Axe Murderer. You still laugh at the Alcatraz scene. You cry. Sometimes. You start to believe people when they tell you how much they love you, how much awesome you give the world. You drink a fantastic bourbon milkshake that might be the best experience you've had in years. You glimpse Yourself Victorious, smiling somewhere down the road. You work. You clean the kitchen. You buy a piece of furniture that crosses your path like it's the definition of destiny. You cry. Sometimes.

You do laundry: 14 washcloths, 14 pairs of underwear. You remember the last time you did that — the day before your world collapsed. You showered every day. You wore clean underwear every day. You breathed every day. You grieved and mourned and laughed and cried.

You will maybe be fine.

You will be fine.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pandemic Log: 4-7-2020

-
Image
Status: Alive. Not as sleepy as yesterday. Wheee! Down to three rolls of TP. Should I be concerned? Mood: Going a wee bit stir crazy. Snacks: OK, fine. I had an oatmeal cream pie. Readers, this daily karaoke journey is fraught with peril. I made multiple attempts to capture today's recording. On the first try, my sound didn't work. On the second, my camera fell and landed in my cleavage. On the third, I warbled too much. But still I persisted, and finally got this version of "Part of Your World" (with some ad-libbed alternate lyrics) before I pulled out my quarantine hair. It's week four for remote work here, and it can be a real challenge. I find that I'm great at accomplishing task-based to-dos, but have a helluva time thinking about big-picture or strategy issues. I thought this would get easier over time, but it doesn't seem like it is. I'm sure I'm not the only one in this boat, but it's hard to know since I really am literally the
Read more

This Santa Reminds Me of a Penis I Once Knew

-
Image
I live on a narrow street with narrow houses built on narrow lots. And each year, one of my neighbors packs every available inch in front of her house with every inflatable Christmas decoration known to man. At first I thought it was a little much — I personally prefer simple white lights and red bows —   but after a decade of Christmases in my neighborhood I actually look forward to seeing what crazy character she adds to her Merry Menagerie each year. She's got two giant snowmen that tower above everything else. Maybe some reindeer? But the best, by far, is Sad Penis Santa. He didn't start out as Sad Penis Santa. When he first joined the Merry Menagerie, he was more like Stripper Santa. At first glance, you thought you were just looking at an inflatable Christmas tree. But then BAM! Santa would come rocketing out of that tree, wearing its top as a hat, like a stripper popping out of a birthday cake. Then he'd fall back into the tree and get ready to do it all over ag
Read more

Pandemic Log and Solo Karaoke: 4-28/29-2020

-
Image
Status: Full of popcorn, still kicking Mood: It's 1 a.m. and I'm posting to my blog? What do you think? Snacks: The aforementioned popcorn and ubiquitous cheez crackers. Quick update: Lots of feels this week for lots of reasons. Seven weeks is a long time to be alone. Working in isolation makes me feel like I'm not doing enough or doing everything wrong. Shopping in masks is disorienting and scary. Feeling more isolated and lonely than usual. So here's "Waving Through a Window" from Evan Hanson with my scary hair, glasses and pajamas. I am nothing if not authentically me. Hope someone is waving back at you.
Read more