This Santa Reminds Me of a Penis I Once Knew

I live on a narrow street with narrow houses built on narrow lots. And each year, one of my neighbors packs every available inch in front of her house with every inflatable Christmas decoration known to man. At first I thought it was a little much — I personally prefer simple white lights and red bows —  but after a decade of Christmases in my neighborhood I actually look forward to seeing what crazy character she adds to her Merry Menagerie each year. She's got two giant snowmen that tower above everything else. Maybe some reindeer? But the best, by far, is Sad Penis Santa.

He didn't start out as Sad Penis Santa. When he first joined the Merry Menagerie, he was more like Stripper Santa. At first glance, you thought you were just looking at an inflatable Christmas tree. But then BAM! Santa would come rocketing out of that tree, wearing its top as a hat, like a stripper popping out of a birthday cake. Then he'd fall back into the tree and get ready to do it all over again, all night long. Sure, it was sort of phallic, but he had joy and enthusiasm. He had energy! He was a rocket propelled by the Christmas spirit!

But now, after a few years, Stripper Santa has seen better days. In fact, he reminds me of a penis I used to know. Maybe once upon a time he had some energy and staying power, but now he sort of slowly emerges from the tree, listing heavily to one side. And no matter how he tries, he can never quite get himself completely upright. Before you know it, he falls limply to the side again, only to be sucked back into the tree. Attempt after attempt, night after night, he just sort of slumps his way along. Out of the tree. Into the tree. Over and over again, like a sad sad penis that can't quite get the job done.

Poor Sad Penis Santa. I bet for Christmas this year, he'd like to erupt out of that tree with gusto one last time and show the world he's still got that Stripper Santa spirit. I'm rooting for you, Sad Penis Santa! But I'm also giggling a little bit and enjoying the show (which you, too, can enjoy in this sad video best viewed full screen so you can see the action).