Lose a Waxy

This blog is supposed to be about how I'm fat, and the trials and tribulations of trying to go from fat to "Hey, that girl's just got a little more to love than most others."

But first I want to bring you a special public (pubic?) service announcement about a life-changing topic. Something so important that once you read this your eyes will spring from your ocular cavity in utter amazement that no one has yet to tell you this.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to talk about the perils of bikini waxing.

I have a reputation as something of an oversharer, but I think too few people understand what happens not during a bikini wax -- that's pretty clear, actually -- but after you pull the pants up and head back home.

If you're a girl (or manscaping gent) who gets the hair ripped out of normal places, you'll likely be just fine when you get home. Oh sure, some wax might have stuck around up front and hardened, sealing your skin to your undies for a bit. But you'll live.

For the more adventurous waxer, you risk what I think is possibly the most painful of all wax-related maladies: wax ass.

I'm not making this up. Somehow, when they rip the hair off your ass, the wax doesn't come off completely before your ass cheeks come smacking back together. You notice a weird feeling, a tightening, perhaps, but head on home anyway. Walking feels a bit weird. You wonder if maybe they took some skin off too. Then the first time you head to the bathroom, BAM! Your ass cheeks are sealed together. Toilet paper gets stuck, so now you have waxy Charmin ass. And dear god, how will you ever get it all off???

Never fear! Wax ass goes away after a shower or two, and you're left with a smooth butt and even smoother lady parts. But I'm warning you -- wax ass is worse than the actual waxing.

And I'm pretty sure that's not just because I'm fat. It's because asses just don't want to be waxed.