Matthew McConaughey and Captain America Watch TV

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Captain America and True Detective Matthew McConaughey (aka “Russ”) are in a windowless room watching television. The walls are gray. Captain America, it is important to note, is NOT in uniform. He’s in an uncomfortable-looking chair to the left of Russ, who is on a little couch. The TV is one of those old deals that weighs a hundred pounds and is two-feet deep. They’re riveted by whatever’s on the screen.

As you zoom in on the scene, you can see that they’re watching “Dallas Buyers Club,” which is weird, right? Because Russ looks like a healthier version of the dude in the movie. You can hear Russ talking to Captain America.

“You maght think this is entertahning or something, but it hits too close to home for me,” Russ says.

Captain America nods. He looks like he wants to run away.

Russ continues to narrate and you’re sucked into the action on the television. He’s a voiceover now, and you’re trapped watching scenes from his life while he drawls.

<Imagine a thick Texas accent>

“Growing up with my old man, he liked to make what he called ‘training runs’ to pick up girls in bars. What he really liked was the men, but it was easier to find young drunk chicks. He’d drag ‘em into the bathroom and hit ‘em from behind and make me watch.”

</Imagine a thick Texas accent>

As if his words aren’t bad enough, you see what he says unfolding on the screen (while clearly remembering that this is NOT the Dallas Buyers Club you on-demanded a few months ago). A young Russ-looking tween walks into a bar with an old, skinny, seen-better-days version of McConaughey. The old dude picks up two girls. They go to the restroom. Weird shit happens. Young tweeny Russ watches in horror. The old man walks out and leaves him with the girls, but not before he whispers, “You guys were just practice.” One girl vomits. The other one grins.

You start zooming out quickly, away from the bathroom crazy and then out of the windowless room. You feel a lot of things. Horrified that this happened. Confused about why you had to watch. Sad for Captain America and his obliterated innocence.

Happy the alarm is going off. Concerned about why you dreamed something so incredibly fucked up.

Determined to never watch this HBO GO commercial again.


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