He Dumped Me for Legos and All I Got Was This Clenched Vagina

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I woke up on Monday morning to learn that after more than five years, my relationship had ended. I learned this via email. Four independent clauses strung together in one comma-spliced sentence. No "I'm sorry." No "Thanks it's been swell." No "I wish you all the best." Just some nonsense about needing more time to himself revealed — upon some shameful e-stalking on my part — to really mean that he wants to spend more time building shit with Legos and hanging out with other people who also build shit with Legos.

It's tragic and awful and ohmygodwhodoesthattosomeone??? But that's not the point of this story. The point of this story is what's happening in my lady parts.

Lest you be tempted to stop reading because you don't want to know about my sex life, let me assure you that this isn't about that at all. And anyway, right now I'm just not in the mood.

No, what seems to be occurring is that my vajayjay has become, shall we say, clenched in panic and terror. At first it was just my stomach in knots. OK. That's understandable. Then it spread to some sort of lower-belly problem. Again, acceptable, though certainly neither fun nor pretty. Then two days ago something horrible went wrong in my lady parts, like I constantly had to pee but no pee would pee! A urinary tract infection, I thought, during one of many extended bathroom visits. Possibly the result of dehydration brought on by the copious amounts of liquids lost via tear ducts and nose snotting. But no. This was unrecognizable. Like a swelling. A horrible grinding and binding of walls and muscles that should neither grind nor bind unless explicitly told to do so. And I was not telling them to do so. No sir-ee. I just wanted to watch Jeopardy and eat my macaroni and cheese in peace.

That's right, ladies and gents. When emotionally devastated and jilted for the Brick Mistress, this girl gets a vagina cramp. Or something. With deep relaxation and breathing it goes away.

But that's one strong vagina.

Good luck building it from plastic bricks.

Comments

  1. Jen W.July 11, 2015 at 3:08 PM

    I love your closing! I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I was dumped via email about 10 years ago and my friends still call him "email breaker-upper" to his face which is both immature and hilarious to me. To break up with you after 5 years in that way was chicken-shit! He is clearly a loser and definitely not worthy of your love and affection.

    ReplyDelete
  2. iSuzeJuly 11, 2015 at 11:02 PM

    Thanks for the support and the compliment. It was a poopy way to be treated, but I'm trying to find some humor in it :)

    ReplyDelete

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