You Will (Never) Be (Someday) Be (Maybe) Be Fine

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(This post isn't funny.)

When you've been excised suddenly from someone's life — by four independent clauses strung together in a comma-spliced sentence sent stealthily through email — you will not know what to do.

You will never be fine.

You tell unwitting baristas and waitresses and clerks that you were viciously dumped. You watch a lot of baseball. You try to understand this new emptiness in your life that didn't exist the day before. You trade eating for crying. You call your mom all the time. You text your friends all the time. You feel bad for bothering the universe and everyone in it with your insignificance. You give yourself pep talks, remind yourself that one day you will look back on this shitstorm of awfulness and view it as the point where you started doing the things that mattered most to you. You think about what just mattered most to you yesterday. You cry. You hurt.

You receive messages, calls. You make some social plans. You feel hands reaching out to you, people jumping into the well and pushing you out, dropping down ropes to haul you back to the surface.

You will someday be fine.

You read books, buy a puzzle to keep your brain busy when it starts to tell you all its worst fears. You watch So I Married an Axe Murderer. You still laugh at the Alcatraz scene. You cry. Sometimes. You start to believe people when they tell you how much they love you, how much awesome you give the world. You drink a fantastic bourbon milkshake that might be the best experience you've had in years. You glimpse Yourself Victorious, smiling somewhere down the road. You work. You clean the kitchen. You buy a piece of furniture that crosses your path like it's the definition of destiny. You cry. Sometimes.

You do laundry: 14 washcloths, 14 pairs of underwear. You remember the last time you did that — the day before your world collapsed. You showered every day. You wore clean underwear every day. You breathed every day. You grieved and mourned and laughed and cried.

You will maybe be fine.

You will be fine.

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